No f*****g money? No f*****g money!

It´s been a while since my last entry so I´m gonna delve right into this time round if that´s ok people...

Okay, so it turns out that my pesimistic opinion on the lack of English speakers in South America may have been made a tas too quickly. Take this for example, it turns out they can speak quite good English, as I found out, at the Chile/Argentine border although I´m not quite sure who tought them. Really needing the toilet, or baño in old money, I thought it may be a good idea to use the facilties than just take down my pants and piss on the border (I think the fact that we stake claim to the Falklands, not that you would know it from looking at maps, it might not have been a good idea to rub it in!)

So anyway, I go off to the toilet and there´s two boys around my ages hanging around. I instantly knew the customary 20 odd pence would have to be handed over, the only problem was I had no cash on me, well I wasn´t going to give them a fiver to take a leak! I thought I could once again use my English charm and blag my way in. And just while we are on the side not of the art of blagging it appears that no matter where you are from, how good your English is, unless you are from our might green shore the profession and even the word blag is not understood.

Either way, upright, shoulders broad and staring ahead and confidently tell them that I didn´t have any money and they simply would have to let me in for free. Now here´s where it get´s interesting. "No money?" he said.
"No, I´m sorry, por favor?"
"No fucking money" one of them said with a chuckle
"No fucking money" the other laughed away with him. Now hang on a minute are they going to let me through or not? Is this really the best way to be learning English...

STEP 1: Repeat whatever is said to you
STEP 2:Laugh and insert randow swear word into sentance.

While we are talking about it maybe we could help them along a little, how about, "Could I trouble you for the (twatting) bill please?" or maybe "That´s a nice car you have there, maybe I could take a look (and shit) in the back seats?" Certainly made me think.

I´d love to tell you more about the complexities of the Latino/English divide but for the risk of possbily getting reported by the man running the internet cafe and the fact I have nothing much else to say on the subject I think I will leave this one for your imagination. Please feel free to send in your suggestions to the usual address, the best one wins a postcard, not that you will ever get it as it is, and when I say this I couldn´t stress this enough to you, virtually impossible to get a stamp or send a letter in the South of America.

Just before the border incident we stopped off in a little town called Osorno, think Blackpool but with more pickpockets and a handful of stray dogs on each corner. Thinking that it would be nice to send home a postcard from every country I visit I mistakedly left it to late the previous day in Pucòn (after half 5, so it´s not just the UK then!) so left it to the last minute. Thankfully our 2 hour layover in the Chilian capital of crap was just enough to locate the post office which seems to be the only place to post a letter of any kind. A visit to a bank, pharmacy, supermarket and hardware store were all about as helpful as a turd in a box but we got there eventually. One thing I would say is that at least they´re not hemeraging four millions pounds a day on random offices in the middle of nowhere so Farmer Giles doesn´t have to wait for Tractor weekly.

Been in Argentina for nearly a week now and head my Birthday the other day in a lovely little place called Barilochè, a good cross between a Swiss Alpine village and somewhere in Northen Italy, mainly down to the grand array of pizza places on offer. I must say it was a touch weird being away on my birthday not being able to venture down to Old Trafford and not seeing all the people you want to (not neccassarly in that order!) but extremely cool to say I´ve spent a birthday in the ninth biggest country in the world. Especially as it was more of a celebration than normal after surving a climb up an active volcano only days earlier with the type of guys who look like they should have icicles permanmently attached to their facial hair. Unfortunately there´s not much else to that story apart from the fact that it is will be the last time I get up at half 2 in the morning to partake in a walk up a mountain covered in a selection of the finest snows, stones and sulphuric steams. But it was definately worth the 35 quid price tag!

Off for some more adventures tomorrow though, got a hard day tasting wine, I´m going to get my best Jilly Cooper on, although I still don´t have a bloody clue what hollyhocks tastes off and I´ve certainly never wrapped my tastebuds around an open fire. And before you begin to copmplain about what I luck shit I am I was on a bus for 17 hours last night so a bit of R and R is of course in order. Just before I go though I´m going to leave you with this thought, if you thought plane food was bad...

All the best for the month of March, check in next time for another episode of timwaggtravels...

Tim

x

P.S. Sorry about the above spelling, I could blame it on the keyboard being spanish but in reality it´s cause the spell check is bust.