You can stick your f***ing beachball up your arse

G'Day Folks! It's been a fun packed week since I last checked in so lets begin another roller coaster ride of literacy fun with everyone favorite TV show...

I now know what it's going to be like coming back into England after being away from 6 months. No matter where you go in the world there is one place where you just feel right. You just know that it's the one place that you can do anything you want and no one will judge you, people will love you for who you are and the sun will always shine. And this place is Ramsay Street.

Turning the corner into the mecca of Australian television an air of apprehension hit us, we had come home and there we were looking at some of the most famous houses in the world. The fact that it's a lot smaller, less glamorous and Doctor K, Janae and Toady weren't around is a mere blemish on the most beautiful body known to man. Think Cindy Crawford's mole.

We did get to meet one "star" in the form of Janelle Timmons. Now most of you probably don't have a clue what I am on about but for those of you that do, the next paragraph should make you chuckle.

"You have the fittest daughter in Neighbours" Pete said. "You mean Janae, right?" replied Mrs Timmons. I won't explain any further but if you tune into BBC1, 5.35 Mon-Fri you'll understand the irony.

Of course, we have been exploring further than cheesy TV soap sets. We even made it to watch a spot of Cricket at the MCG.

Thinking we could show the Aussie's a little something about drinking we started on the beers nice and early, 11.30 to be precise and set out on an adventure which neither Pete or I knew would end up. Fast forward 8 hours, slightly bronzed arms later we found our destiny...our beds. Drinking in the sun really does take it out of you! Maybe at this point I should wish you all a Merry (rainy) Christmas and Happy (overcast) New Year.

One thing we have learned in Australia is that they love to keep things under control. I've been a quite a number of cricket matches in my time and you quickly find the answer to the formular of Men + Beer = Abnocious behavour . Now the last time I checked mexican waves hadn't claimed the lives of many people at English cricket matches, but at the MCG it is "strictly prohibited and anyone caught started one would be ejected from the ground immediately!" Give me a break. But Aussies being Aussies they fought back, started the waves on mass and out came the beach balls. And yes there were messages on the big screen warning spectators about this as well.

Every time one was a projected into the air a mixture of police officers and security guards pounced. You can see the headlines now, "Policeman awarded O.B.E. after stopping renegade beach ball from hitting cricket fan." And o.k, it's nice to see Police about but I maybe think this is taking it a touch too far. We did have the last laugh though, even when the 'beachballbrigade' took away our fun, hundreds pointing and shouting at party pooper in question "You are a Wanker, clap clap clapclapclap!" Brilliant!

We've also hit the west coast of this sun drenched country as well since I last spoke to you all. Before I came out I was told what a brilliant city it was. It's kinda hard to make it sound interesting, exciting or vibrant but Perth seems to have something which makes it special. Of course the surrounding 4.2 children, 3 bedrooms and 1 bathroom suburbs do suck out a lot of the fun from the city but you can't dislike this place, even if you are a 22 year old backpacker. Being fair though we did watch a woman stand on a man's head, a Captain Jack Sparrow lookalike swallow a sword and learned how many French/Aussie expletives a Mauritian taxi driver and squeeze into a twenty minute journey to the airport.

I do feel happy here, you never know one day it might be my home but just for the minute, living the easy life traveling with everything I own on my back is kinda cool, even in the 36 degree heat!

We've got two more days in Melbzee, and yes that abbreviations was intentional considering every Australian has rejected proper English and replace it with a bastardized nicknamed version e.g. "Where's the bathroom please?"
"Hang a righty, then a lefty and jump in on the righty and there you go." Now how is that quicker than what we say? Still though, culture comes in many a flavour.

It's the Gold Coast next for NYE so when you're in Tesco's getting the last minute beers, crisps and dip at one in the afternoon spare a thought for two Brit's welcoming in 2008. And check back in the next few days I'll try and get some pictures online.

With love,

Tim

x

SA

The Honeymooners

At last it was time to leave South Africa. Don't get me wrong it's an amazing place, with more culture than you can shake a stick at but it comes to a point when you just want to move on. After a wonderful night at a rather swish hotel in Johannesburg we thought our luck had finally started to come in.

Checking in at reception as normal, name, reservation number. After been taken to our room it was time to make use of the facilities. Time for a bath I thought. So there I was sat in a plethora of bubbles thinking about the past month and planning the next few. Relax.

"Knock, knock" then bellowed from the outside door followed by a series of muffled voices, a barrage of laughter and from what I could make out the use of the word "honeymoon!?". Quickly rearranging the bubbles I beckoned Pete into the bathroom. "We're VIP guests, and they've given us a bottle of Champagne and a massive fruit basket!."

Hastly we made our way downstairs wondering (a) why they thought we were married (b) do we really give off that impression and lastly, and probaly most importantly (c) does this mean we get free dinner and breakfast?! Now we never really found out the answers to the first two questions but when the answer to (c) was very much a yes we started to make up for lost time and got straight on the beers. I won't bore you with the details of the rest of the night, beers+casino+club=good night out, you get the idea.

But anyway, ready to head to Australia, where ironically (you'll understand why in a minute) is where I am now. Time to check in. Normal procedure, tickets passports, weigh in your bags. Now just before I continue I would like to highlight that before you judge me, it can happen to anyone. "You're flight isn't until tomorrow sir." Hang on a second, "Sorry what, my flight is when...?"

"You see sir, here is today's flight, 20th December 2007, and here is your flight..." Oh bugger. "You'll be on standby." Finding this not pareticualryu annoying at first, Pete, who incidently had already checked in, and I went to get some food where we waited to the bit of luck which has seemingly eluded us so far on this trip. The rain, no sharks and now this...maybe South Africa was done with me yet. Stood there waiting to see if a plane, 4 days before Christmas would have any free seats isn't fun, remember this could happen to any of you! But then again, most people would check the dates of their tickets!

Well, like I said before I am in Perth now and I did get onto that flight although we've had so little sleep I still feel like it's the 20th, I just hope that there's no more public transport involved today! Just a quick note for Mum and Dad, don't worry!

It's not just been a ticket less adventures since I made my last post though. A quick trip to Kruger Park, a hop, skip and jump to the highest country in the world, Lesotho, a couple of days hiking in the Drakenberg Mountains, a rest stop in Graskop with a taste of their apparently famous pancakes, and a nights stay in Jo'Berg would be a good summary of the last week or so. Although the later may sound like the least eventful thing we've been doing we did meet a man who had just flown into South Africa to continue his bike ride from Cape Town to somewhere in central Africa after he had been shot in Cameroon a couple of months before hand. And I also learnt a quick lesson about a lovely area of Jo'Berg called Hillbrow. Simply described by the man who owned the hostel when I asked what it was like, "You will get shot!"

Needless to say we didn't drive our Nissan 1.6 hire car through that district although we did nearly get stuck on what could only be described as the worlds worst road on the way back from Kruger, again Mum and Dad, nothing to worry about!

I'm just about bored of typing now so I'm going to spend the afternoon with a cold one and fingers crossed a sandwich if we can find somewhere to buy one!

Thanks for listening and remember, it's only funny if it doesn't happen to you!

Me

x

How to save a camera

"It's those red and white ones which will really mess you up. You know the ones from Alice in Wonderland. Boil them in water, drink the tea and you'll want to throw up and will be on the best out of body experience ever." said the 50 year old, clearly quite over experienced man and possibly charged up man.

This is what goes on in Coffee Bay it seems, a place when people, if they want can eat all the shrooms they wish, fill their lungs with the most potent of herbal remedies and for the less adventurous drink the bar dry without having to spend a small fortune.

Now of course, this place wasn't all about the drugs. In the middle of the Transkei (one of the most amazingly scenic places in the world it seems) its easy to think you're in the middle of nowhere, which to be fair you quite literally are. After navigating through potholes which could easily be classed and minor countries we were there, ready to sign up to the adventures on offer. First up hole in the wall.

Trekking, 10km through mud, rain, rocks, sand and s**t (cow/bull/sheep...) you'd think that trainers and board shorts wouldn't be ideal gear. Well you'd probably be right but of course that didn't deter us, onward bound to discover, well a hole in a wall.

Armed with digital cameras, camcorders, mobile phones we probably we're slightly more technologically able than Phillias Fogg et al. Snapping away at the landscape happier than a Japanese fellow in Stately Home we clambered over the terrain then BANG, camcorder overboard, edging closer to the cliff face of the biggest waterfall I have ever walked across (also the only one) when our trusty tour guide pounced on it faster than a speeding bullet. The drink I was carrying had already, ironically gone to it's watery grave. " I think your water has gone man, it's probably too dangerous to climb down to get it." And they say Africans are friendly! Already saved my camera he's wanting to risk his life for my refreshment. Unbloodybelievable.

Now after all of this I was hoping for the 'hole' to be more out a puncture out of a quite medium sized piece of land. Did we just get soaked to the bone, walking 3 hours for this...yes. Quite perplexed the 15 of us who decided to tackle the walk were beginning to think the 50 year old man might be on to something.

The hostel itself was quite a special place, nestled in the heart of the community being the only white person walking round does have a funny feel. I loved it there though, even if we had numerous teenagers trying to sell you the latest thing to grow out of the ground, jump out of the sea or ask you for money.

It may seem that this country may love it's drugs even more, just this morning whilst sitting in a taxi I was offered some cocaine, trying ever excuse for why I didn't want to buy the 'white goods' the taxi driver found this extremely funny. Getting desperate my dealer friend slashed his prices, "I'll give you a good deal, 10zar (80p in old money). Now I'm not an expert but really, how is he making any profit. Put it this way, if he were to face the Dragon's, Peter Jones would be furious.

Time to wrap this chapter up now. A week in South Africa is a long time, especially running on African time (you have to experience it to really know what waiting is!) We've partied and met a couple of teachers from Ireland who loved herbal delicacies, South Africans with the taste of bells whiskey, a Dutch trainee doctor, a handful of Americans and of course the generic German and English characters you can't get away from, all in just 6 days.

Keep tuned guys...

Tim

x

There's a hole in my Canoe delighla delighla

Hey, hey it's been a while! Nice to see you around these parts and hope you're enjoying the blog.

It's been a strange one over the past week. Leaving Cape Town and all it had to offer was an interesting one. Mainly because it decided to rain once again, I think I'll call it the Michael Fish effect from now on. Al Gore take note, Gulf streams and ozone layers are no more, you need to take a look at that balding 80s weatherman that used to be on the tele! It's not an inconvenient truth, it's just s**t weather my man!

We have had the upturn from this freak set of aqua based events. Canoing. I'd certainly recommend it for all, the wind in your hair, paddle in hand, water in boat. Within seconds of pushing off trying to follow our instructor a.k.a imagine Mick Dundee with the voice of someone who smokes 60 Marlboro a day, we were, to put it bluntly on our arses getting swept downstream in a river which Mr Dundee had told us only moment before could harbour some of the world's most poisoness snakes. Good start.

Being British, stiff upper lip and all we wrestled with the currents and clambered back into our water taxi. Striving to get upstream Mick decided that an over land approach would be the best one, which considering the size of the hole we manged to puncture into the side of our canoe five minutes later when we got back in the wet stuff, we maybe should've followed his advice. Not to worry though, out came the lighter and plastic bag and bang, it was fixed and we were ready to face the rapids. Now prizes for guessing what happened there and once again when we got back to base. You know you can patch up holes in boats as much as you want but if you're going to capsize, the result is going to be the same!

Of course being the ever experienced travelers that we are, an afternoon on tequila and oysters followed, not the best combination but our trusty guide from he bar at the hostel assured us that oysters actually sober you up. This I am still not too sure about.

Not to be deterred by the elements (or the oysters), we hired some bikes and discovered that drinking beer in the day and never exercising results in a ridiculously though climb up some mountains (not to be helped my a 21 gear bike which only lets you select the 1st and last 7 gears!) We even met a Aussie who went along with us and thankfully we weren't out shone. No pommie bashing to Knysna! We'll keep that strictly to the cricket and off to Jeffreys Bay we went.

If Carlsberg made hostels they certainly would've had a part in this one. It's something else. Picture this, en suite room, stone tiled floor, balcony looking out over the Indian ocean and beds made from some from chunky bits of tree. Not bad for 10.50 a night really! Two minutes and we're again in the water, riding the waves of the ocean. Ducking, diving (and also throwing up in my case after possibly the heaviest night on the good stuff in a very long time!) But not to make you too jealous, the sand is only a shade of off white rather than that pure stuff you'll see in the Caribbean, it's such a shame really!

Time to go now once again, going to Port Elizabeth tomorrow then off to one of the remote places in on our Route in Coffee Bay. Maybe the sand will be white there!? Stay tuned...

Tim