If I'm to believe the famous words of a certain Mrs LeElla Wagg there's a number of you who have been wondering where my latest installment of my world wide ventures have been. But fear now, the Wagg is here to take you by the hand a pull you over the Tazman sea to the newest country in the world, weighing in at only 3 millions years old, can you guess where I am yet, who would live in a country like this? David, it's over to you...it's New Zealand.It's a funny old thing travelling, you can prepare for months, read more books than you care to carry, browse more websites than google could only dream about searching and ask more people than there are in China but you'd still run in to the same problems, it's inevitable. Take this for an example, can I just thank LonelyPlanet.com for this exert, ahem..."Sydney Harbour's sandstone headlands, dramatic cliffs and stunning beaches define the city. But whichever way you look, from the white sails of the harbour to the arc of the Coathanger to the toned flesh on Bondi, Sydney is serious eye-candy."
Now lets look for me, as I am sure it is for most of you eye-candy entails things like Nadine from Girls Aloud (for the older ones of you out there, that Irish one from the X Factor), l'Arc de Triumph on a warm summers afternoon and a trebling winning Manchester United side. In the case of Sydney however, the eye candy was sour and not in that naughty but nice balance haribo always seem to find. You may wonder what I may be complaining about judging by the pictures I have kindly uploaded for you, see exhibit A, the only building in the world built in the 1950s that people actually like, the Sydney Opera house and of course it's more beautiful cousin the Harbour Bridge. Both lit up in the yellow ambiance that I have since begun to forget, the sun? Whoever said it was needed for plants to grow and animals to live was wrong, Sydney does just great without it, trust me! Not to worry though as it's festival time Australia's biggest city.I must say for those of you who know my music taste, eclectic isn't a word you would describe it as. Well I am a new man, believe me as not only am I about to introduce you to the world of new age beat box, electric guitar mash up jazz but you're going to see it for yourself and please watch it because the boundaries of world are going to be changed. If Einstein was still alive, e would no longer equal mc squared, Isaac Newton's theory of gravity would be somewhat flawed and the man who gave Tom Jones his opportunity in popular music would sacked. Ready? Lets go...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mSRugGe73lE
You liked...? Now I knew the Finnish were a crazy bunch but what the hell was/is that. Well after an hour of whatever the hell that is I am converted. I have seen the light and I'm ready to jump on that Shit Catapult and join the new age ravers, grow my hair long(er) and light up a doobie, the revolution is here.
Unfortunately it was time to leave Venice of the south and leave for NZ. At this point imagine you were watching last night’s coronation street, the adverts have just come on...fast forward >>> keep going >>> more >>> and I thank you. You've successfully skipped Auckland not because it's a particularly bad place, or even that it didn’t have much to offer, excuse me while I ignore the listing technique of blogging I so strongly disagree with (Ice Bar, lovely harbours, a truly fantastic museum and the tallest tower in the Southern hemisphere) but all of the above was tainted. This time I won't complain, just thing Hydrogen with a bit of oxygen mixed in there, grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.Now on to the truly exciting stuff and where Lonely Planet et al can tell me all they want because at last, I have reached the point of actually being able to do what I want, wreck less bollocks which I only tell my mother about after I have done it.
When I was younger I used to always wonder what it was like to be an animal. No worries in the world, you didn’t have to go to school, your food was always cooked, ready when you wanted it and visits to Natural Trust Staley homes could easily be avoided. Well, New Zealand offers the chance for you to be an animal, if only for just 45 seconds. Picture this. A big hill, a giant ball and water. Now which one of you didn't think of jumping inside the ball, filling it with water and rolling down the hill. I was an honorary hamster and I'll let you into a little secret, it's bloody brilliant if not slightly sickly.
Step Two, in which I think the fine last I mentioned at the start of this mini-essay already knows about, so I can safely tell you, involves white water and a raft. You get the picture. Add in a 7 m waterfall (the biggest grade V raftable one in the Southern Hemisphere) and another smaller one but instead of being in the boat coasting along clambering on for dear life on the side of the boat on your back you'll be nearly there. Well infact you would be there but I promise it's safe (kinda) and fun (immensely). Throw in a touch of luge at 30mph plus with no padding and trip to see the oldest Johnny Cash impersonator and quick altercation with a local Maori boxer who I didn’t care to hang around and talk to after I had repeatedly stuck my fingers up at. Ok, it was by complete mistake and he wasn't a boxer, but he was of Maori decent only laughed when I said sorry. I'm sure a gangster, maybe this new music taste of mine has gone to my head.
But anyway boys and girls it's time to go, not because I have nothing else to say but they have this wonderful thing over here in NZ called export gold. I'll give you one more clue, there's a percentage on the side of the bottle...do you know what it is yet, sorry but I had to get that Rold reference in at some time before my blog let the sunny shores of Australia. I hope it was as good for you as it was more me kids...see the next installment to find out which element/physical law I have been challenging yet, the clues in the apple…
T.P.Wagg
x
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