Australia Photos

You can make up your own title for this one cause I can't be bothered trying to be clever

If I'm to believe the famous words of a certain Mrs LeElla Wagg there's a number of you who have been wondering where my latest installment of my world wide ventures have been. But fear now, the Wagg is here to take you by the hand a pull you over the Tazman sea to the newest country in the world, weighing in at only 3 millions years old, can you guess where I am yet, who would live in a country like this? David, it's over to you...it's New Zealand.

It's a funny old thing travelling, you can prepare for months, read more books than you care to carry, browse more websites than google could only dream about searching and ask more people than there are in China but you'd still run in to the same problems, it's inevitable. Take this for an example, can I just thank LonelyPlanet.com for this exert, ahem..."Sydney Harbour's sandstone headlands, dramatic cliffs and stunning beaches define the city. But whichever way you look, from the white sails of the harbour to the arc of the Coathanger to the toned flesh on Bondi, Sydney is serious eye-candy."

Now lets look for me, as I am sure it is for most of you eye-candy entails things like Nadine from Girls Aloud (for the older ones of you out there, that Irish one from the X Factor), l'Arc de Triumph on a warm summers afternoon and a trebling winning Manchester United side. In the case of Sydney however, the eye candy was sour and not in that naughty but nice balance haribo always seem to find. You may wonder what I may be complaining about judging by the pictures I have kindly uploaded for you, see exhibit A, the only building in the world built in the 1950s that people actually like, the Sydney Opera house and of course it's more beautiful cousin the Harbour Bridge. Both lit up in the yellow ambiance that I have since begun to forget, the sun? Whoever said it was needed for plants to grow and animals to live was wrong, Sydney does just great without it, trust me! Not to worry though as it's festival time Australia's biggest city.

I must say for those of you who know my music taste, eclectic isn't a word you would describe it as. Well I am a new man, believe me as not only am I about to introduce you to the world of new age beat box, electric guitar mash up jazz but you're going to see it for yourself and please watch it because the boundaries of world are going to be changed. If Einstein was still alive, e would no longer equal mc squared, Isaac Newton's theory of gravity would be somewhat flawed and the man who gave Tom Jones his opportunity in popular music would sacked. Ready? Lets go...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mSRugGe73lE

You liked...? Now I knew the Finnish were a crazy bunch but what the hell was/is that. Well after an hour of whatever the hell that is I am converted. I have seen the light and I'm ready to jump on that Shit Catapult and join the new age ravers, grow my hair long(er) and light up a doobie, the revolution is here.

Unfortunately it was time to leave Venice of the south and leave for NZ. At this point imagine you were watching last night’s coronation street, the adverts have just come on...fast forward >>> keep going >>> more >>> and I thank you. You've successfully skipped Auckland not because it's a particularly bad place, or even that it didn’t have much to offer, excuse me while I ignore the listing technique of blogging I so strongly disagree with (Ice Bar, lovely harbours, a truly fantastic museum and the tallest tower in the Southern hemisphere) but all of the above was tainted. This time I won't complain, just thing Hydrogen with a bit of oxygen mixed in there, grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.

Now on to the truly exciting stuff and where Lonely Planet et al can tell me all they want because at last, I have reached the point of actually being able to do what I want, wreck less bollocks which I only tell my mother about after I have done it.

When I was younger I used to always wonder what it was like to be an animal. No worries in the world, you didn’t have to go to school, your food was always cooked, ready when you wanted it and visits to Natural Trust Staley homes could easily be avoided. Well, New Zealand offers the chance for you to be an animal, if only for just 45 seconds. Picture this. A big hill, a giant ball and water. Now which one of you didn't think of jumping inside the ball, filling it with water and rolling down the hill. I was an honorary hamster and I'll let you into a little secret, it's bloody brilliant if not slightly sickly.

Step Two, in which I think the fine last I mentioned at the start of this mini-essay already knows about, so I can safely tell you, involves white water and a raft. You get the picture. Add in a 7 m waterfall (the biggest grade V raftable one in the Southern Hemisphere) and another smaller one but instead of being in the boat coasting along clambering on for dear life on the side of the boat on your back you'll be nearly there. Well infact you would be there but I promise it's safe (kinda) and fun (immensely). Throw in a touch of luge at 30mph plus with no padding and trip to see the oldest Johnny Cash impersonator and quick altercation with a local Maori boxer who I didn’t care to hang around and talk to after I had repeatedly stuck my fingers up at. Ok, it was by complete mistake and he wasn't a boxer, but he was of Maori decent only laughed when I said sorry. I'm sure a gangster, maybe this new music taste of mine has gone to my head.

But anyway boys and girls it's time to go, not because I have nothing else to say but they have this wonderful thing over here in NZ called export gold. I'll give you one more clue, there's a percentage on the side of the bottle...do you know what it is yet, sorry but I had to get that Rold reference in at some time before my blog let the sunny shores of Australia. I hope it was as good for you as it was more me kids...see the next installment to find out which element/physical law I have been challenging yet, the clues in the apple…

T.P.Wagg

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Gag-a-ju, ju ju push Pineapple shake the tree

Hello and welcome to 2008. I know it's a couple of days late but I've been bust roughing it in the Australian bush. You don't even get phone signal out there, and as for the wireless internet connection I'm not even going to start.

After weeks of staying in nothing but brillaint hostels we decided that it was time for a change and that the four walls and solid roof approach was getting a little boring. A little place called Noosa, just north of Brisbane was to be the place of this adventure.

Not quite knowing what to expect apart from the fact that we knew the "camp" was in the bush we got into the town on the Greyhound about 4 hours before we were to be picked up, enough time for some research! Staright to the information booth, "Do you know what time time the shuttle to Gagaju bushcamp is getting here?" After a quick phone call it was confirmed that we did infact have to wait 4 hours (in the rain I am sure you'll be all very glad to here) and that they were extremly relaxed so this could easily change.

Were we back in Africa again? to our surprise though a wonderful man called Allen picked us up, on time and took us to our destiny which was simply brilliant. After being slight scared about a number of stories from our driver about how people had left within minutes of arriving our 6 bed dorm at Gagaju for just the two of us, plus a handful of spiders and small army of mosquitos was more than suffcient.

But Allen's talents did not sure stop with his bush driving, he used to be a chef, and so cooked us up some traditional bush grub of cow smoothered totilla chips with a spiced juis compote a.k.a nachos. Something told me that bush living wasn't going to quite as bad as you'd think, especially after a number of beers we're sunk whilst lying in the hammock. The free fishing, bush walks and drinking games with four dutch lads was also a step in the right direction and funnily enough was alot more eventuful than our stay in the Gold Coast over new years.

Now when I say Gold Coast think, high rised ridden s**thole impersonating Benidorms poorer brother. Well ok, it might not have been that bad but the cancelled fireworks and downpours didn't do much for our mood. I'm not going to bore you all with the details but we arrived at 5 and was on the beach about half 12 chanting with a crowd of Aussies after welcoming in the new year. I'm sure you can fill in the gaps.

Now as we were in Costa del Australasia we thought it would only be fair to operate in the same manner as we would have done at home, none of that foreign muck for us thanks very much, I'll have a Kebab for dinner, couple of pints, footy on tele and a night at the arcades. Maybe this
place isn't as bad as I first made out, we were still missing a dozen or so Geordie lasses upturned in the street choking on their own vomit after sinking the local irish bars entire stock of bicardi breezers.

I must say I'm confusing myself writing this thing, I can barely even remember what I have been up to. Ahh, Brisbane that was it. what can I say about this place, cheap transport, outdoor pools and a walk around some lagoons which resembled the Florida everglades. Am I boring you? I think I'm boring myself slightly, lets fastforward to today...

We probably hit the jackpot, snorkling in the Great Barrier Reef and yes it is every bit as good as they say it is. The most beautful coloured fish, crystal clear waters and not a cloud in the sky. The sort of picture postcard stuff you'd expect from Australia in the summer, certainly one of my highlights and, although I still haven't had a shower I think I've avoided sunburn which judging by my dairy coloured tone is worth a blog entry alone. I hope I don't come to regret that last sentence, and if I'm not brown by May well I suppose there's always St Tropez lotion.

Off to sink another glass of the best lemonade known to man now I think, yum yum. Hope your Monday mornings was as good as mine.

And for another time, that's all folks...

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You can stick your f***ing beachball up your arse

G'Day Folks! It's been a fun packed week since I last checked in so lets begin another roller coaster ride of literacy fun with everyone favorite TV show...

I now know what it's going to be like coming back into England after being away from 6 months. No matter where you go in the world there is one place where you just feel right. You just know that it's the one place that you can do anything you want and no one will judge you, people will love you for who you are and the sun will always shine. And this place is Ramsay Street.

Turning the corner into the mecca of Australian television an air of apprehension hit us, we had come home and there we were looking at some of the most famous houses in the world. The fact that it's a lot smaller, less glamorous and Doctor K, Janae and Toady weren't around is a mere blemish on the most beautiful body known to man. Think Cindy Crawford's mole.

We did get to meet one "star" in the form of Janelle Timmons. Now most of you probably don't have a clue what I am on about but for those of you that do, the next paragraph should make you chuckle.

"You have the fittest daughter in Neighbours" Pete said. "You mean Janae, right?" replied Mrs Timmons. I won't explain any further but if you tune into BBC1, 5.35 Mon-Fri you'll understand the irony.

Of course, we have been exploring further than cheesy TV soap sets. We even made it to watch a spot of Cricket at the MCG.

Thinking we could show the Aussie's a little something about drinking we started on the beers nice and early, 11.30 to be precise and set out on an adventure which neither Pete or I knew would end up. Fast forward 8 hours, slightly bronzed arms later we found our destiny...our beds. Drinking in the sun really does take it out of you! Maybe at this point I should wish you all a Merry (rainy) Christmas and Happy (overcast) New Year.

One thing we have learned in Australia is that they love to keep things under control. I've been a quite a number of cricket matches in my time and you quickly find the answer to the formular of Men + Beer = Abnocious behavour . Now the last time I checked mexican waves hadn't claimed the lives of many people at English cricket matches, but at the MCG it is "strictly prohibited and anyone caught started one would be ejected from the ground immediately!" Give me a break. But Aussies being Aussies they fought back, started the waves on mass and out came the beach balls. And yes there were messages on the big screen warning spectators about this as well.

Every time one was a projected into the air a mixture of police officers and security guards pounced. You can see the headlines now, "Policeman awarded O.B.E. after stopping renegade beach ball from hitting cricket fan." And o.k, it's nice to see Police about but I maybe think this is taking it a touch too far. We did have the last laugh though, even when the 'beachballbrigade' took away our fun, hundreds pointing and shouting at party pooper in question "You are a Wanker, clap clap clapclapclap!" Brilliant!

We've also hit the west coast of this sun drenched country as well since I last spoke to you all. Before I came out I was told what a brilliant city it was. It's kinda hard to make it sound interesting, exciting or vibrant but Perth seems to have something which makes it special. Of course the surrounding 4.2 children, 3 bedrooms and 1 bathroom suburbs do suck out a lot of the fun from the city but you can't dislike this place, even if you are a 22 year old backpacker. Being fair though we did watch a woman stand on a man's head, a Captain Jack Sparrow lookalike swallow a sword and learned how many French/Aussie expletives a Mauritian taxi driver and squeeze into a twenty minute journey to the airport.

I do feel happy here, you never know one day it might be my home but just for the minute, living the easy life traveling with everything I own on my back is kinda cool, even in the 36 degree heat!

We've got two more days in Melbzee, and yes that abbreviations was intentional considering every Australian has rejected proper English and replace it with a bastardized nicknamed version e.g. "Where's the bathroom please?"
"Hang a righty, then a lefty and jump in on the righty and there you go." Now how is that quicker than what we say? Still though, culture comes in many a flavour.

It's the Gold Coast next for NYE so when you're in Tesco's getting the last minute beers, crisps and dip at one in the afternoon spare a thought for two Brit's welcoming in 2008. And check back in the next few days I'll try and get some pictures online.

With love,

Tim

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SA

The Honeymooners

At last it was time to leave South Africa. Don't get me wrong it's an amazing place, with more culture than you can shake a stick at but it comes to a point when you just want to move on. After a wonderful night at a rather swish hotel in Johannesburg we thought our luck had finally started to come in.

Checking in at reception as normal, name, reservation number. After been taken to our room it was time to make use of the facilities. Time for a bath I thought. So there I was sat in a plethora of bubbles thinking about the past month and planning the next few. Relax.

"Knock, knock" then bellowed from the outside door followed by a series of muffled voices, a barrage of laughter and from what I could make out the use of the word "honeymoon!?". Quickly rearranging the bubbles I beckoned Pete into the bathroom. "We're VIP guests, and they've given us a bottle of Champagne and a massive fruit basket!."

Hastly we made our way downstairs wondering (a) why they thought we were married (b) do we really give off that impression and lastly, and probaly most importantly (c) does this mean we get free dinner and breakfast?! Now we never really found out the answers to the first two questions but when the answer to (c) was very much a yes we started to make up for lost time and got straight on the beers. I won't bore you with the details of the rest of the night, beers+casino+club=good night out, you get the idea.

But anyway, ready to head to Australia, where ironically (you'll understand why in a minute) is where I am now. Time to check in. Normal procedure, tickets passports, weigh in your bags. Now just before I continue I would like to highlight that before you judge me, it can happen to anyone. "You're flight isn't until tomorrow sir." Hang on a second, "Sorry what, my flight is when...?"

"You see sir, here is today's flight, 20th December 2007, and here is your flight..." Oh bugger. "You'll be on standby." Finding this not pareticualryu annoying at first, Pete, who incidently had already checked in, and I went to get some food where we waited to the bit of luck which has seemingly eluded us so far on this trip. The rain, no sharks and now this...maybe South Africa was done with me yet. Stood there waiting to see if a plane, 4 days before Christmas would have any free seats isn't fun, remember this could happen to any of you! But then again, most people would check the dates of their tickets!

Well, like I said before I am in Perth now and I did get onto that flight although we've had so little sleep I still feel like it's the 20th, I just hope that there's no more public transport involved today! Just a quick note for Mum and Dad, don't worry!

It's not just been a ticket less adventures since I made my last post though. A quick trip to Kruger Park, a hop, skip and jump to the highest country in the world, Lesotho, a couple of days hiking in the Drakenberg Mountains, a rest stop in Graskop with a taste of their apparently famous pancakes, and a nights stay in Jo'Berg would be a good summary of the last week or so. Although the later may sound like the least eventful thing we've been doing we did meet a man who had just flown into South Africa to continue his bike ride from Cape Town to somewhere in central Africa after he had been shot in Cameroon a couple of months before hand. And I also learnt a quick lesson about a lovely area of Jo'Berg called Hillbrow. Simply described by the man who owned the hostel when I asked what it was like, "You will get shot!"

Needless to say we didn't drive our Nissan 1.6 hire car through that district although we did nearly get stuck on what could only be described as the worlds worst road on the way back from Kruger, again Mum and Dad, nothing to worry about!

I'm just about bored of typing now so I'm going to spend the afternoon with a cold one and fingers crossed a sandwich if we can find somewhere to buy one!

Thanks for listening and remember, it's only funny if it doesn't happen to you!

Me

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How to save a camera

"It's those red and white ones which will really mess you up. You know the ones from Alice in Wonderland. Boil them in water, drink the tea and you'll want to throw up and will be on the best out of body experience ever." said the 50 year old, clearly quite over experienced man and possibly charged up man.

This is what goes on in Coffee Bay it seems, a place when people, if they want can eat all the shrooms they wish, fill their lungs with the most potent of herbal remedies and for the less adventurous drink the bar dry without having to spend a small fortune.

Now of course, this place wasn't all about the drugs. In the middle of the Transkei (one of the most amazingly scenic places in the world it seems) its easy to think you're in the middle of nowhere, which to be fair you quite literally are. After navigating through potholes which could easily be classed and minor countries we were there, ready to sign up to the adventures on offer. First up hole in the wall.

Trekking, 10km through mud, rain, rocks, sand and s**t (cow/bull/sheep...) you'd think that trainers and board shorts wouldn't be ideal gear. Well you'd probably be right but of course that didn't deter us, onward bound to discover, well a hole in a wall.

Armed with digital cameras, camcorders, mobile phones we probably we're slightly more technologically able than Phillias Fogg et al. Snapping away at the landscape happier than a Japanese fellow in Stately Home we clambered over the terrain then BANG, camcorder overboard, edging closer to the cliff face of the biggest waterfall I have ever walked across (also the only one) when our trusty tour guide pounced on it faster than a speeding bullet. The drink I was carrying had already, ironically gone to it's watery grave. " I think your water has gone man, it's probably too dangerous to climb down to get it." And they say Africans are friendly! Already saved my camera he's wanting to risk his life for my refreshment. Unbloodybelievable.

Now after all of this I was hoping for the 'hole' to be more out a puncture out of a quite medium sized piece of land. Did we just get soaked to the bone, walking 3 hours for this...yes. Quite perplexed the 15 of us who decided to tackle the walk were beginning to think the 50 year old man might be on to something.

The hostel itself was quite a special place, nestled in the heart of the community being the only white person walking round does have a funny feel. I loved it there though, even if we had numerous teenagers trying to sell you the latest thing to grow out of the ground, jump out of the sea or ask you for money.

It may seem that this country may love it's drugs even more, just this morning whilst sitting in a taxi I was offered some cocaine, trying ever excuse for why I didn't want to buy the 'white goods' the taxi driver found this extremely funny. Getting desperate my dealer friend slashed his prices, "I'll give you a good deal, 10zar (80p in old money). Now I'm not an expert but really, how is he making any profit. Put it this way, if he were to face the Dragon's, Peter Jones would be furious.

Time to wrap this chapter up now. A week in South Africa is a long time, especially running on African time (you have to experience it to really know what waiting is!) We've partied and met a couple of teachers from Ireland who loved herbal delicacies, South Africans with the taste of bells whiskey, a Dutch trainee doctor, a handful of Americans and of course the generic German and English characters you can't get away from, all in just 6 days.

Keep tuned guys...

Tim

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